i'm trying to remember that feelings aren't stupid, but right now i don't like the way i feel.. about nearly everything. i feel drained. overwhelmed. and it's stupid cuz if i just took the time, all of this shit would've gone away. but i'm not the type to be on top or do things on time. i hate admitting it but i'm not. i feel stuck with how i am and i just hate it. the workload isn't even that bad, but somehow it feels too much. it's all just unnecessary stress.

maybe it's the room. i enter it daily and it's always messy, especially the desk. always so cluttered with junk that i can't throw away. i feel like an idiot for clinging to dead weight but here i am, picturing it in my mind. it's disgusting.  i feel like i'm carrying too much other garbage, in my head and in my life. i haven't let go of certain things and people and they're long gone. and there's even others that are so close to being done, but i still hope.. maybe uselessly.

i'm just tired maybe that's it. i entered the year so optimistic but i didn't change my habits so of course everything FEELS like it's gone to shit. i know it hasn't, at least not yet, there's a chance for me to clean up my act and just start over. i can't let the rest of the year to go on like this. i don't even want to know how i'll become if i stayed this fucking course. can you imagine how screwed i'd be?!?

everything i've worked for the past four years will be forever gone. i won't even have cum laude and forget about distinction. i can even picture myself losing touch with other people if i keep on feeling this way. who wants to hang around someone who feels so completely out of it? i just hope it's only a mood and not something more permanent.

but what if even after i do all i need to do: my hw for this week and next week, completely clean my room and bathroom, eat my food before it rots, submit my (late) timesheets, work. i still don't feel right? that kind of scares me... a lot.

i just want it to be temporary... i feel stupid as is.

i'll even take just getting through the day by doing everything properly and on time.. maybe even do things way before they're due... that would be nice. or just get to places 5-15 minutes before i have to. though i never know what to do with myself once i do.

it's always weird when i come into class early. so not used to it.

but honestly, i need to adopt a new behavior. i really can't get through the year like this much less life. i don't like how i do things.

i love who i am, don't get me wrong, but the way i go about things is all wrong.

but at least i can cross this off of my list.

eileen

....shall we?

1. my fucking javascript won't activate in the internet explorer (even though i did flipping restart the comp) so i'm stuck with manually inputting numbers in front of my list points.
*  i could use asterisks but looking at that makes me want to change my mind
3. there much better.

... moving on
4. a year ago i had someone i care(d?) a lot about, and now he's no longer here because of badly choosen words and even worse mutual decision making. and as much as i miss him, i'm honestly happier without him now.
5. there i said it. or typed it rather. and i don't think i'd be able to mention it without this on-purpose, therefore-luxurious-lack-of-sleep.
6. such a bad mental state allows me to admit things i wouldn't normally say. like when i'm drunk* off my ass. or pushed off the edge.
7. (*case in point. although i'm 21 now so admitting to being drunk is not such a big deal really)
8. asterisks are only okay when expanding a topic later on.. like a footnote.
9. i want to join a blog service with easy to insert footnotes. that would take my journal to a whole another level.
10. god i felt like a douche typing that 9th point.

...you totally are
11. like how my mom yells at me for being such a jobless bum and not driving. love her dearly but sometimes the nagging gets me guilty and annoyed.
12. i believe she has accompllished half her goal, still need to get my act together though
13. but honestly i'm in no rush to be more of a mature adult. in my eyes, this summer, this final month, is all i have to waste my life in the way i want.
14. not that i would go into a career i would hate (though i will admit that is a real, frightening possibility with our current economy) but there will be no other time in my life when i'll be able to slack and have total control of how i spend my life. well.. except for retirement.. but that's another forty-fifty years from now.
15. yeah, definitely no regrets about being jobless at all. don't see much need for money (though it would undoubtedly be useful later on in life but not right now) and i don't need to spend my final summer as a college student with a reason to bitch.
16. i love how my life is right now... totally bitchless... no substantial reason to complain really. of course there's the occasional tick off .. but i'm only human and so are the so-called wrong-doers.

... just perspective baby
17. but you know what? i'm in the deeper end of the wrong. because i rarely say that i'm mad at them... only at family, like my dad or my sister.. and they can only tell when i'm yelling at them and i only directly tell emmalyn when i'm pissed at her. how bad is that? how are they supposed to know that i'm p.o.ed if i don't say shit? i know they don't mean to hurt me on purpose but i get this stupid fucking thought that they do know and like to hurt me. utterly ridiculous. most aren't like that. and i'd like to thnk that i surround myself with people who wouldn't harm me with meaning.
18. .... i don't think i'd ever arrive at that conclusion if i never wrote that essay about my father... it was the easiest yet hardest paper i ever wrote. i turned that shit out like two dollar ho(e?)s but reading it in front of everyone was deeply affecting.. in a good way, i promise. it just opened up areas and thoughts that never completely dried out. like right now, months later after i wrote it, i still get the payoff of what i learned from my dad and myself.
19. i like that sort of writing, the kind that changes you as you form letters on the screen or on the paper. or even better, before you even bother pressing a key or the nub of the pen with said paper. not only do you transform the page but also yourself. pretty neat equivalent exchange :)

.... and still
20. something stops me from writing on here. no matter how many thoughts i want to record. or how overwhelmed i feel. i just can't bring myself to do it. call it lazyness.call it fear. it's still a mental block for me... i guess i always think that i can just write it later and when later comes, i just don't deliver and put it off for another day. not very good aye?
21. yes, i realize i talked about this before. i can't help it. it's on my mind right now. and as we all know, our issues haunt us for a lot longer than a 30 minute span sitcom problem.
22. there's never an easy solution to real dilemmas. and even when you come across the right one, it can take you a long while to utilize it correctly or even recognize it finally.. maybe it's just me but i find myself learning and relearning the same lessons over and over. making the same mistakes repeatedly. i'm probably just an idiot but i know im not the only person who does this. maybe the only person who has admitted it though. i don't remember anyone ever saying that they've made the same errors again and again. it's embarrassing to admit, so who would?
23. i know i wouldn't if i was in a healthy mindset. but i've been up for ... about... nearly 34 hours now.. and i think i'm sick from emmalyn.. greattttt. i got her stuffed up icky nose. thanks, you little monster.

... you cute little rugrat
24.  yes, weird segue right here but i want kids. like now. well, not right now. but damn i've been feening for a baby (2 definitions please). and not just to play with but to actually raise.. i've even moved down my affirmed childrearing age from late 30s-early forties to mid thirties-early 30s. (yes that's madd late but i wanted to be financially and personally secure until i have children.. and i want disposable income so i can go on fantastic adventures haha) and i have a feeling that if i come across and play with a little kid of age 3 or younger, i'm gonna bump it further down to late 20s.
25. this would be so much easier  of a wait if one of my relatives just annouce a pregnancy. dante is already 6 and although i can still play with him.. not the same :/. maybe it's because i can't hold him the same way i can hold a little child. he's so big now, it's scary hehe.
26. and wow. emmalyn. she's already turning snarky/ bitchy and asking if i can teach her how to shave her legs. SHE'S SO YOUNG LOOKING! she can pass for a third grader still.. yet she's nearly my height. ewww.
27. but what trips me is that when i graduate i'll be living home with my sister who will be 13... i'll be spending at least a year or so (most likely more with my choice of a major haha) while she develops into her dreaded teens... the bitch years... arghhhhh... if that ain't incentive to move out i don't know what is haha.
28. although, i would like to live closeby and be a real big sister to her and take her out ot places and when she gets mad at mom and dad she can just crash at my place hehe. that would be kinda cool. pure fantasy i know, but partial based in fact.. one day hehe.

... yes one day
29. i still don't know what i'm doing with my life. soon it'll be four years at ramapo and not much of a clue. i did accompllish one goal i've always had in mind: become a significantly better writer. i really am starting to find my voice. in fact, i didn't even know i had a voice haha. it's making me blush just thinking about it. and smile slightly. hehe. i like the thought of my own writing voice. something with a message and a tone. truly distinctive from others, with its own individual style. it's the best thing i can give to myself :)
30. the next best being a successful, secure career. hmm. glad to know my priorities are correct haha.
31. i was talking to christian a week or two ago and we were getting into the topic about college and how we're told that we should find our careers here primarily, with learning secondary.
32. isn't that fucked up? we both thought so. it's sad how our society has turned out. get moneys first. but it's understandable, it's what keeps us alive really. without money we'd starve. a horrible death according to dr. fucci. he told my brit lit. class about it at least twice. almost made me want to switch over to nursing.. too bad i'm nearly done with school hehhee
33. but nawh, no regrets about my decision. even if i ended up without a scholarship to ramapo, i'd still go to rutgers for communications or english or something. i never applied to any of the colleges under nursing.. not even with rutgers where you can apply up to three schools. thinking back, that seemed a little stupid to be so sure of myself.... but hell, i think i knew more about me back then then i did in my early college years.. i did switch into digital film making at some point and then switched back to writing.

....switch on switch off
34. i've always thought i was more sure of myself when i was way younger. at some point i lost myself. regained it. then lost it.. and now i;m regaining it all again.... and i'm scared i'll lose it again. it feels inevitable really. but at least with every return my identity and sense of self just comes back stronger and stronger... or at least i think so... i definitely feel comfortable with how i am now than i was last year.
35. i used to hold such a strong admiration for people i thought were smarter than me... i still, in a way, do. but the difference between the me now and before is how i used to think i was below them. like i could never arrive at the same ideas as they do unless they guided me. like i don't have anything to offer them except an eager ear. that's so pathetic and sad. i do have a lot ot offer to people and i'm just starting to realize it. i can hold my own in a conversation with someone significantly older and perceivably wiser. i can argue with them and feel it's okay. i can be secure with myself despite talking with someone who goes to a better school, has a "better" major, has a great job, etc. just shrug off their credentials and focus on the conversation. easier said than done, but concentrating on the words and the individual (who they are not what they are, if you catch me) just allows me to be more free with my words and what i do.
36. maybe what it boils down to is how i had low (or at least comparitively low) self-esteem last year. and now i'm more confident and happy than ever with who i am. my shortcomings don't look so bad. and my assets never looked so damn good. balance has been achieved :).
37. but what i'm scared of, righfully, is that i'll lose sight of all this in the upcoming school year. i'll just hit low points and feel like stupid shit. i'll feel like an idiot in my level 400 lit class cuz i didn't take 300 level lit. i'll put off things and hand shit late and get grades lower than what i can earn. i KNOW i can earn straight A's and this will be the last time i can prove it.
38. i'm hella smart and hella lazy. bad combo but it doesn't drive me crazy like being a complete overworked overachiever. it bothers me yes and makes me feel bad, even horrible. but dude, i think i'd be a complete breakdown wreck if i'm overly driven. i just need a little push, not a full tackle.

...although this might be too much
39. my eyes are starting to hurt and my fingers are curling inwards and aching a little... i missed these feelings.
39. i know that's twisted but i was thinking about how i missed my obsessive, a little hurtful behavior when i create:
 >>>> Cutting out pictures and teensy tiny newspaper words until i cramp my fingers.
 >>>> Read and look at pages and search for words until my eyes ache
 >>>> Sit and do collages or writing or whatnot and unintentionally starve myself
 >>>> Stare at the screen or the page until I get a headache
 >>>> Writing so much my fingers ache from writing so tiny to fit as much as possible on the page
 >>>> Not getting off the seat until I lose drive, draining me of needed sleep (like now lol)
40. i should really go to bed. part of the reason i was up was to watch Recess. This is the only time I know of where it airs it.. at 4am.. although now it's almost 6am.. christ. like i said. i don't get off the chair unless i feel the need to quit. my body does but i still have more to say. holy shit my eyes are so droopy. my mouth is hella dry too.. not good.
41. although, i wouldn't mind spending more days like this as long as i can write more and more actively. feels like a fair trade... or not... declining health is pretty bad.
42. i can picture myself waking up at night again... i probalby will...but at least this is more than enough writing to make up for today and my missed tomorrow. right?
43. oh well fuck it. i think i reached the end... my upper jaw is aching now... i don't even know why.
44. twitter is awesome. i'm definitely obsessed with it.. though idk if i'll be updating it much now since i practically put all my thoughts into here. although i do have some reserved leftovers but that's for the untweetables area.
45. alright now my lower jaw hurts.. not good. and oh yeah, my legs have fallen asleep. goody.

next time i'll try not to feel physical pain when i end a blog.

try

eileen

PS. here's some choice quotes from Recess. They don't make dialogue like this anymore. shame shame

Randall "i still get my cookie right?"
Miss Finster: "i'm sorry randall. snacks are for snitches."

Randall: "why you boys.. are... are...."
The Tylers: "notorious."
Randall: "does everyone in your families have a catch phase?"

One of the Tylers: "i still have a bag of cookies. let's say we grab a glass of milk and discuss our investments."

so it's been six weeks since i last updated. i've noticed that during the period of may - june/julyish, there's a dearth of blogs for me every year, and i'm not sure why.

maybe it's because i was so used to writing so constantly that i want to cut myself off it? or it's most likely because i'm too lazy to bother... i mean.. it's been three weeks since my birthday and i haven't responded back to the comments.. hell, even before that.

and it's not like i lack content.. my head is brimming with topics that i've been wanting to write.. thoughts that are now lost to me forever through the drain of my bathtub.

here's some that i can remember:

• books i'm reading
• summer lazyness
• being home again
• people, maybe certain people (if i can get away with being vague as hell)
• and others i've forgotten haha

i have been keep up of a microblog, a twitter, on a daily basis though. but it's just not the same... you can same more on here than you can in 140 characters, but i like that constrained writing.. the restrictions and forced limitations. it has really forced me to learn how to be more concise which i've always had a problem with. although i cheat and use abbreviations and symbols to get my point across. and because i have this fetish of not wasting, i have to use ALL 140 characters or it'd feel pointless. stupid right?

another thing, i shove a lot of emotion in that twitter.. more than i ever thought i would.. but that's what usually happens when i start something with writing: a piece of me ends up on view. so it's nothing new.

and neither is this topic because i know i've talked about this before, at least in terms of this online journal. i reveal things on twitter than i wouldn't normally in person... no matter how close i feel to you. there was this one person that i wanted to be completely open with, but he's gone now.. and he was put offf with what i said to him, so yeah, i am a little scared of saying too much again. but then again, he was an asshole to me so whatever. bad judgement on my part : /

i just can't picture myself trying to express myself the way i do on twitter (or lj for that matter) to anyone i know. there are people i'd like to be completely upfront with but i just don't let myself. i've noticed how i don't disclose my problems, my worries, or anything private unless i'm asked or when i've reached the point where i can't handle it on my own and need advice. i don't have any present problems (besides the usual "WTF am i doing with my life?!?!) so of course i don't say anything. No complaints either. Just some nagging feelings of catholic guilt and aged remnants of regret & longing. and of course the what if's. but that's everyone really, shitt, you don't even have to be catholic to feel guilty constantly.

i am the listener in the conversation, and i like that position. i only break out of it if there's something wrong or i have a urge to share something. but i've become so aware of how much input i give compared to the other person's output, especially with this one person. with this one guy, it's like 80 (him) - 20 (me). but he likes to talk a lot though. but i don't know.. you'd think i'd want to talk more and say something, esp. since we've long went pass the "getting to know you" phase and have hit a steady friendship. and i do get urges to interrupt and say something new but sometimes he'd ignore it or he won't be able to hear me.. and i just say nothing and just encourage him to talk through questions or "oh"s and "mhmms"

i know so much about him but he knows so little of me. and i think he's aware of it, he said he's getting to know me, even though it's been months since we first talked. part of me is relunctant to say anything truly personal about myself because 1. i feel that i am boring 2. i definitely don't compare to him on the daily actions routine 3. he'll get sick of me 4. he really wouldn't care at all.

but i don't think we'd hit #3 or #4 because i do feel a strong connection with him. i'm sort of hoping we'd be friends a year from now. i have this tendency to to lose close guy friends within less than a year. for once i'd like to be close to a guy and be able to talk to him a year later. i could use that consistency.

i just wish i could just let mysel be open about what i think with someone, beyond the points of being under the influence, freaking out, or feeling trapped. just because it's natural and i can. that would be soo fantastic.

maybe i haven't found the right person.. or maybe me yet... i thought i was comfortable with who i am but now that i think about it more carefully, i'm really not. only with parts, but as a whole, i'm slightly disgusted.

.... i wonder if i can say those last two sentences to someone face to face and without their provocations. i'd like to record that event, really.

i know that this is a defense mechanism of mine: focusing the attention on the other person, rather than myself. i've got others that are just as strong, and i'm a little proud of them.

still, i'd like to bridge that gap between these words and my tongue. it feels good to confess onscreen so i can only imagine how it'd feel to do it in person, without the push of the other.

i just might end it right here. i didn't expect my blog to go into this direction, but i'm glad that i did.

hopefully i'll feel the same when i share my feelings upfront & without force

eileen

WAIT. i just remembered that i did admit something highly personal to him about him, and his reaction wasn't that positive, which i can't blame him for. i'd be turned off too. but we still talk. so maybe i can take the next step and just go open my mouth :)

I found this on my computer.. it's an old entry and story  I wrote over two years ago on March 13, 2007. i completely forgot about it:

just doing it [title of entry]

i don't know what to do.

i don't really have a plan on how to write this... but isn't this the best way to go about it??

or maybe it's a well done plan is the best technique...

i don't know.

i'm just gonna keep on typing until i want to stop or until i stop hearing the music that i want to hear...

______page break___________

she woke up with red raised marks down along her throat.

she didn't see them initially... you can't see your own neck without a little help.

she pushed off the covers aside and sat up on the bed, rubbing the sand out of her eyes.

she smoothed out her night gown and got up to walk to the bathroom.

she faced the vanity mirror and saw those dark lines.

she angled her head to get a better look and her left hand traced up and down the longest mark.

she had no idea where they came from.

her head suddenly pounded.

she firmly pressed her right palm against her temple... hoping the pressure would go away.

it didn't

she rubbed her head gingerly, careful not to make it worse.

she thought about the scratches... where did they come from?

did she hurt herself in the night? during some forgotten nightmare? an unconscious attempt to hurt herself? a ghost trying to claw out her soul, trying to make its way in? did someone did this in the night? and if so...

why couldn't they just wake her up so she could enjoy it?

------------page end----------

sorry... that's the ending... i couldn't think of anything... well.. yes i did... but i didn't like it.... so i put this one...

i wonder... what do these words reflect about myself? i'm just so curious...

i want to [go to] a psycharistrist and ask him/her about it.

eileen

1:34 am - 03.13.07