so it's been six weeks since i last updated. i've noticed that during the period of may - june/julyish, there's a dearth of blogs for me every year, and i'm not sure why.

maybe it's because i was so used to writing so constantly that i want to cut myself off it? or it's most likely because i'm too lazy to bother... i mean.. it's been three weeks since my birthday and i haven't responded back to the comments.. hell, even before that.

and it's not like i lack content.. my head is brimming with topics that i've been wanting to write.. thoughts that are now lost to me forever through the drain of my bathtub.

here's some that i can remember:

• books i'm reading
• summer lazyness
• being home again
• people, maybe certain people (if i can get away with being vague as hell)
• and others i've forgotten haha

i have been keep up of a microblog, a twitter, on a daily basis though. but it's just not the same... you can same more on here than you can in 140 characters, but i like that constrained writing.. the restrictions and forced limitations. it has really forced me to learn how to be more concise which i've always had a problem with. although i cheat and use abbreviations and symbols to get my point across. and because i have this fetish of not wasting, i have to use ALL 140 characters or it'd feel pointless. stupid right?

another thing, i shove a lot of emotion in that twitter.. more than i ever thought i would.. but that's what usually happens when i start something with writing: a piece of me ends up on view. so it's nothing new.

and neither is this topic because i know i've talked about this before, at least in terms of this online journal. i reveal things on twitter than i wouldn't normally in person... no matter how close i feel to you. there was this one person that i wanted to be completely open with, but he's gone now.. and he was put offf with what i said to him, so yeah, i am a little scared of saying too much again. but then again, he was an asshole to me so whatever. bad judgement on my part : /

i just can't picture myself trying to express myself the way i do on twitter (or lj for that matter) to anyone i know. there are people i'd like to be completely upfront with but i just don't let myself. i've noticed how i don't disclose my problems, my worries, or anything private unless i'm asked or when i've reached the point where i can't handle it on my own and need advice. i don't have any present problems (besides the usual "WTF am i doing with my life?!?!) so of course i don't say anything. No complaints either. Just some nagging feelings of catholic guilt and aged remnants of regret & longing. and of course the what if's. but that's everyone really, shitt, you don't even have to be catholic to feel guilty constantly.

i am the listener in the conversation, and i like that position. i only break out of it if there's something wrong or i have a urge to share something. but i've become so aware of how much input i give compared to the other person's output, especially with this one person. with this one guy, it's like 80 (him) - 20 (me). but he likes to talk a lot though. but i don't know.. you'd think i'd want to talk more and say something, esp. since we've long went pass the "getting to know you" phase and have hit a steady friendship. and i do get urges to interrupt and say something new but sometimes he'd ignore it or he won't be able to hear me.. and i just say nothing and just encourage him to talk through questions or "oh"s and "mhmms"

i know so much about him but he knows so little of me. and i think he's aware of it, he said he's getting to know me, even though it's been months since we first talked. part of me is relunctant to say anything truly personal about myself because 1. i feel that i am boring 2. i definitely don't compare to him on the daily actions routine 3. he'll get sick of me 4. he really wouldn't care at all.

but i don't think we'd hit #3 or #4 because i do feel a strong connection with him. i'm sort of hoping we'd be friends a year from now. i have this tendency to to lose close guy friends within less than a year. for once i'd like to be close to a guy and be able to talk to him a year later. i could use that consistency.

i just wish i could just let mysel be open about what i think with someone, beyond the points of being under the influence, freaking out, or feeling trapped. just because it's natural and i can. that would be soo fantastic.

maybe i haven't found the right person.. or maybe me yet... i thought i was comfortable with who i am but now that i think about it more carefully, i'm really not. only with parts, but as a whole, i'm slightly disgusted.

.... i wonder if i can say those last two sentences to someone face to face and without their provocations. i'd like to record that event, really.

i know that this is a defense mechanism of mine: focusing the attention on the other person, rather than myself. i've got others that are just as strong, and i'm a little proud of them.

still, i'd like to bridge that gap between these words and my tongue. it feels good to confess onscreen so i can only imagine how it'd feel to do it in person, without the push of the other.

i just might end it right here. i didn't expect my blog to go into this direction, but i'm glad that i did.

hopefully i'll feel the same when i share my feelings upfront & without force

eileen

WAIT. i just remembered that i did admit something highly personal to him about him, and his reaction wasn't that positive, which i can't blame him for. i'd be turned off too. but we still talk. so maybe i can take the next step and just go open my mouth :)

I found this on my computer.. it's an old entry and story  I wrote over two years ago on March 13, 2007. i completely forgot about it:

just doing it [title of entry]

i don't know what to do.

i don't really have a plan on how to write this... but isn't this the best way to go about it??

or maybe it's a well done plan is the best technique...

i don't know.

i'm just gonna keep on typing until i want to stop or until i stop hearing the music that i want to hear...

______page break___________

she woke up with red raised marks down along her throat.

she didn't see them initially... you can't see your own neck without a little help.

she pushed off the covers aside and sat up on the bed, rubbing the sand out of her eyes.

she smoothed out her night gown and got up to walk to the bathroom.

she faced the vanity mirror and saw those dark lines.

she angled her head to get a better look and her left hand traced up and down the longest mark.

she had no idea where they came from.

her head suddenly pounded.

she firmly pressed her right palm against her temple... hoping the pressure would go away.

it didn't

she rubbed her head gingerly, careful not to make it worse.

she thought about the scratches... where did they come from?

did she hurt herself in the night? during some forgotten nightmare? an unconscious attempt to hurt herself? a ghost trying to claw out her soul, trying to make its way in? did someone did this in the night? and if so...

why couldn't they just wake her up so she could enjoy it?

------------page end----------

sorry... that's the ending... i couldn't think of anything... well.. yes i did... but i didn't like it.... so i put this one...

i wonder... what do these words reflect about myself? i'm just so curious...

i want to [go to] a psycharistrist and ask him/her about it.

eileen

1:34 am - 03.13.07

... it's not daytime but hey, i'm not close to being dogtired so that's something right?

but good god my sleeping patterns are so out of WHACK. i mean, it's always been that way.. but at least during the school year i was forced to have them on some sort of semi-regular schedule... but during the summer and breaks? forget that even.

like dude. yesterday. i went to bed around 8am til 4ish pm.. then i woke up.. then i slept from 4-5ish pm til 1AM... on and off.. but still.. in bed.. for that long... til night...there's gotta be something wrong with that lol.

and great... i'm getting a stuffy nose... nasty. but my fault and my bad, i'm really not taking care of myself. so it's all on me.

i find it a little sad that i've been sitting in the same area for more or less the past six hours... just seems pathetic. not seems.. IS.

another habit i need to change... but i am a homebody.. so i don't really see it changing much... i just think i should change up my activities.. not solely the computer or the tv.

like it was nice yesterday going to marrielle's house and watching battle royale in her room. and today we'll probably go to the mall :)

as long as i don't sleep through her texts.. i still haven't slept since yesterday afternoon. horrible right?

but i don't know.. reflections seems like it was worth it.. and i did talk to corey, which was as always nice. i keep on forgetting how alike we are until we speak or comment each other... it's uncanny how much i can relate to the girl haha.

like the whole writing freakout thing i did the other day.. just wow. once i spoke to her on aim she was spilling out my thoughts in her portion of the conversation... and i completely forgot how not alone i am... being up in the middle of the night does that to you.

it gives you peace but it gives you isolation... the latter of which i love soo soo much {in fact, it bothers me on occassion how erv is only few away from me at the computer, but shit i'm too lazy to move} but too much is really bad.. it warps your thinking, leading you to feel very lonely when you're not. at all.

god i need to start blogging in the daytime.. though lately i've technically have.. but i mean when i'm not at the end of my energy rope... my eye lids feel fucking weird haha. i really should sleep soon.

but yeah, she definitely woke me out of my funk.. i just hope that i don't forget.. that's what i usually do, learn, then blog, then forget, then reread, then freakout cuz its exactly what i'm going through now, then remember, then forget, then relearn again.. it's a twisty ass cycle haha.

i just need to remember what helen keller has been through and remind myself that my ungrateful, lazy ass should do more than it's doing now. there's no real excuse for me not to do more... i can manage my time wisely and finish wren, read books, write more, blog more, do more in general.

i'm hungry. haha. i'm just spouting whatever's in my head.

like how i have to take these allergy pills in half-an hour.. yes.. 6am... and then again at 6pm... i've stayed up all night to take one of these things... although i could've just slept earlier and saved myself the hassle...

but then again, i probably would've slept through the random calls and texts i got :).

most of my communication takes place in the middle of the night... i don't know why.. maybe it's because that's how i function and the people that know me realize that.

but i need to fix that.. i need to get a healthier sleeping pattern... i have this horrendous ass cough these past weeks and it won't go away if i keep on putting my body under such stress... i really need to readjust or else i'll never get better.